In an attempt to distract myself from the Prime Minister, I have been doing some personal historical reflection. I found 30 or more of my journals in a recent clean up and sorting out of bookshelves. One in particular, my first, I had been searching for since attending the ceremony at the Garden of Innocents in November. What follows are my words from the 1980s. My hopes for our first three children ( now 48, 47 and 42) and the anticipation of my fourth child and what followed.
In cutting and pasting, I have lost the shape of my texts – but as I have always believed its not size or shape that matter, its content!
My hopes for…..
I look at you, and see a miracle.
In spite of me, you’re wonderful
and I love you.
My hopes for you my child
are that you remain
I thank God for you.
I thank your father for loving me
and giving me you
and I thank you because
you are you.
My boy! My son! My life!
You stand so straight and tall
and yet you are so fail and breakable.
Stay happy son.
Keep your faith – for it your special gift
Believe in yourself
and love yourself.
You bring me joy and love and hope,
you give me reason for living.
My little love.
You’re the lucky one!
You can learn so much.
Look to your sister and learn about
Art and music
Determination and strength
Fairness and compassion.
From your brother seek
Creativity and faith
Generosity and strength
Optimism and love.
I love you so. You have brought me joy.
You are with me and yet not mine.
As you grow, I hope I can remember
How special you are to me now.
O little Child
O little child who isn’t yet
How I am longing for you to be
I want to know that you’re
within me growing and becoming.
The gift of life is so precious.
its our ticket to eternity.
I want to pass this gift on to you
to give you life, through me.
To carry another being within you
bring indescribable joy.
Nothing is greater or more rewarding
or frightening or humbling.
So my child who isn’t yet,
be assured your life is coming!
I’m waiting for you, longing for you
and ready to make you mine!
love and cuddles
gurgles burps and giggles
powder and freshness,
hurt and tears
screams, shouts and laughter
disinfectant and immunisations!
frightened and dependent
questions, ideas, advice
cigarettes and booze?
rebellion and independence
demands, protests and ridicule
joints and speed
ideals and faith
hope for the future.
They deserve our
O little child who isn’t
O little child who isn’t ,
you have been and I
never knew you.
O the ache I feel inside.
The emptiness where there was once life.
Joseph, Rebecca – who were you?
I felt you move – just once
but I knew you were.
I loved you without knowing you.
Why did you die?
Were you not right or me?
I suppose you never knew I love you.
But then all you knew in your
short “before life out here” time
was warmth and security.
You never had to shed tears or know pain.
I still long to hold you.
I’m still ready to make you mine
If I could stop loving
a life I never knew but which
is as much a part of me as my
O little child I know you are.
We gave you life, a soul
and you live in bliss and love.
Reach down to me, somehow, help me
and reassure my faith.
Make me strong again.
I lost my much loved, unknown baby on Wednesday March 18, 1981
On January 28th 1982 I lost another much loved, much longed for unknown baby.
January 12th 1983, another beloved child.
March 28th 1984 – our 7th child. Our 6th daughter.
And as I reflect on this I think about the word “lost”. My four beloved daughters were not and are not lost. They died. I don’t know why. There were no medical reasons determined.
Our eighth child – the “Joseph” I was longing for in 1981 is now our Joe! More loved than words can expressed. Clever, resourceful, creative, dreamer.