THINKING ABOUT MY CHILDREN

72627075_10217440152189881_8664122829119160320_nIn an attempt to distract myself from the Prime Minister, I have been doing some personal historical reflection. I found 30 or more of my journals in a recent clean up and sorting out of bookshelves. One in particular, my first, I had been searching for since attending the ceremony at the Garden of Innocents in November. What follows are my words from the 1980s. My hopes for our first three children ( now 48, 47 and 42)  and the anticipation of my fourth child and what followed.

In cutting and pasting, I have lost the shape of my texts – but as I have always believed its not size or shape that matter, its content!

My hopes for…..

Patricia 

I look at you, and see a miracle.

In spite of me, you’re wonderful

and I love you.

My hopes for you my child

are that you remain

gentle,

trusting,

loving

and

independent.

I thank God for you.

I thank your father for loving me

and giving me you

and I thank you because

you are you.

………. Kenneth

My boy! My son! My life!

You stand so straight and tall

and yet you are so fail and breakable.

Stay happy son.

Keep your faith – for it your special gift

Believe in yourself

and love yourself.

You bring me joy and love and hope,

you give me reason for living.

………Megan Elizabeth

My little love.

You’re the lucky one!

You can learn so much.

Look to your sister and learn about

Art and music

Determination and strength

Fairness and compassion.

From your brother seek

Creativity and faith

Generosity and strength

Optimism and love.

I love you so. You have brought me joy.

You are with me and yet not mine.

As you grow, I hope I can remember

How special you are to me now. 

19-2-80

O little Child

O little child who isn’t yet

How I am longing for you to be

I want to know that you’re

within me growing and becoming.

The gift of life is so precious.

its our ticket to eternity.

I want to pass this gift on to you

to give you life, through me.

To carry another being within you

bring indescribable joy.

Nothing is greater or more rewarding

or frightening or humbling.

So my child who isn’t yet,

be assured your life is coming!

I’m waiting for you, longing for you

and ready to make you mine!

Children

love and cuddles

gurgles burps and giggles

powder and freshness,

Love!

Children

hurt and tears

screams, shouts and laughter

disinfectant and immunisations!

Children

frightened and dependent

questions, ideas, advice

cigarettes and booze?

Love?

Children

rebellion and independence

demands, protests and ridicule

joints and speed

Love??

Children

ideals and faith

hope for the future.

They deserve our

Love.

3-3-81

 

O little child who isn’t

O little child who isn’t ,

you have been and I

never knew you.

O the ache I feel inside.

The emptiness where there was once life.

Joseph, Rebecca – who were you?

I felt you move – just once

but I knew you were.

I loved you without knowing you.

Why did you die?

Were you not right or me?

I suppose you never knew I love you.

But then all you knew in your

short “before life out here” time

was warmth and security.

You never had to shed tears or know pain.

I still long to hold you.

I’m still ready to make you mine

If I could stop loving

a life I never knew but which

is as much a part of me as my

heart.

O little child I know you are.

We gave you life, a soul

and you live in bliss and love.

Reach down to me, somehow, help me

and reassure my faith.

Make me strong again.

2/4/81

I lost my much loved, unknown baby on Wednesday March 18, 1981

On January 28th 1982 I lost another much loved, much longed for unknown baby.

January 12th 1983, another beloved child.

March 28th 1984 – our 7th child. Our 6th daughter.

And as I reflect on this I think about the word “lost”. My four beloved daughters were not and are not lost. They died. I don’t know why. There were no medical reasons determined.

Our eighth child – the “Joseph” I was longing for in 1981 is now our Joe! More loved than words can expressed. Clever, resourceful, creative, dreamer.

 

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “THINKING ABOUT MY CHILDREN

  1. Wow! This takes my breath away! So so impressive, joyful, loving, thoughtful and sad but full of hope and life. Thankyou for your sharing.
    Cheers
    Jenny

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    1. Thank you Jenny! I hope to get myself properly organised and get serious about all the stuff I’ve written – just for the children if for no other reason. Save them have to wade through oceans of journals!!!!!

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  2. Amazing sharing…….I remember being on a St Mary’s Retreat at Myall Lakes with you, when you decided to share parts of your Story & how that changed lots of students perception of you…. & my small group in particular, saw the emotional, honest but still positive about Life & Faith.
    it would be good to collect some of those Journals, in particular the historical parts that shaped your Family.
    I have been Blessed to know part of your Family, Yourself, Megan & Peter (& I do have the pleassure of ‘knowing from afar’ Brian !!) with all their Creativity – I’m in awe….

    Thanks for Sharing

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  3. Thank you Julie. It’s taken me a long time to start trying to put things together. I have thousands of thing written! I am hoping this is the start.
    St Marys was such a huge part of my life. In retrospect too much a part of my life! It nearly broke me really..
    I am getting things sorted now, literally and metaphorically! It’s taken a while!

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